moving blues setting in

The countdown has begun. We leave for Ohio in 6 days. I have very single emotion one could have before a big life change. Basically I want to hide in my bed under the covers and wait til it’s over. Can someone just do this for me?! As any respectable grown woman-child would say, “I don’t wanna!” I mean of course I want to move, and I’m super stoked that I get to go through this with my best friend and soulmate. I wouldn’t uproot my entire life for just anyone just to be with them. We see a real future together, I love him more than I could possibly explain. So that’s making it a bit easier. Knowing I’m going with someone who will have my back and support me and hold my hand and wipe away my tears when I get overwhelmed. But it doesn’t make leaving the people I love and grew up with any less painful. I’m trying to keep everyones tears (including my own) at bay. I’m not ready for people to cry yet, and I’m really not good at dealing with people when they cry. Especially my mom.

Leaving my parents and my younger sister is going to be so hard. I’ve lived at home until my late 20’s. I’ve been spoiled and taken care of for so long (too long?). I need to do this, I know moving out and moving on to make my own life is normal, especially at 29 years old, but I feel small pangs of guilt for leaving everyone behind. I’ve known since my early teens, 8th or 9th grade maybe, that New York wasn’t the state I was meant to stay in forever. Its not my “forever home”. I was lucky to grow up in the town I did and go to the schools I went to, but I was always different from other kids. I wasn’t “rich” or should I say, I didn’t come from a rich Northport family. I didn’t get things handed to me. If I wanted it, I had to buy it. My friends couldn’t understand it, they didn’t comprehend that I couldn’t just ask my parents for money. I started working at 15 on weekends and after school if I wasn’t on a sport at the time. I bought my first car on my own. While other kids were getting handed BMW’s and Audi’s or new Toyota Camry’s or whatever the cool car was in 2004, I was in a used dark blue, dent resistant (tested by my lacrosse and field hockey balls several times. oops), Saturn station wagon I bought for $600. I didn’t go to prom, for various reasons, but mostly because I just couldn’t afford it. So I was aware of how expensive life was fairly early on, and it only got more expensive as I got older. Now flash forward from high school to 11 years down the road. I’m now in a very serious committed relationship with an amazing man. We talk about our future and that future includes a child, maybe two. We did the math, we can’t afford the life we want, or think us or our future child(ren) deserve. We don’t want to have to have two jobs just to support a family or to afford a house. What’s the point in that? Why have kids or buy a house if you’re always working to afford them but can never spend time with them? It just didn’t sit well with us. We have visited his sister and brother in law in Ohio a few times, the company we work for is out there. We thought, “hey, we could try and transfer, see what happens.” Well one discussion lead to another, which lead to him putting in for a transfer and actually getting it. So I took a chance and applied for an associate position in the department his sister works in in the same company, and to my complete surprise I got that too. All good signs, right? I think so. Everything just seems to be falling into place perfectly like the worlds best played game of life tetris.

Tonight my mom and my older cousin Britt took me out to dinner for a girls night with my sister and Britt’s two little ones Kendell (9) and Peyton (6). Okay, they’re not really little, but they’re MY little ones. Kendell has known for a while that I’m moving and the last few weeks she’s really understood what it means. Peyton not so much. Which is better. I can’t have both of them understanding it. It’s bad enough Kendell does. I’ve seen her almost once a week now for the past month and she’s stuck to my side like glue the entire time. Asks me why I have to go and why I’m going. Tonight she laid it on thick and it broke my heart. I had to think quick of a way to make her feel a little better, and I honestly never thanked the universe more for technology than I did tonight. I told her she could call me or FaceTime me any time she wanted to. That seemed to satisfy her for now. Its breaking my heart leaving those two. I’ve been in their lives since they were only hours old. I’ve watched them grow up and it’s sad to know I’ll only get to see them grow up through pictures and a phone screen most of the time now.

All of this will be worth the p11401308_10207049562867642_360230574975015305_nain I feel now later when I’m able to have the life I want for myself without really worrying about if I can afford something or not. I’ll be able to work for a paycheck to live comfortably between paychecks, instead of working to just survive from paycheck to paycheck like I do now. I’m excited to start this new chapter in my life with someone who feels the same way about me as I do about him. On to a new adventure.

The only risk in life is not taking one.

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