my new normal is way more terrifying than anticipated ..

Ohio: Day 6. So far, I’ve been doing alright. Although, it’s kinda like being on vacation because we haven’t started our new jobs yet. I’m sure once I start working tomorrow it will hit me that this is my home now, even though we have set up our bedroom and unpacked our boxes (for the most part anyway because I mean, who really fully unpacks 6 days after having moved? Right.) The last week has been just exploring around town, and taking car of things; changing the car plates from NY to OH, opening our first joint bank account for vacation and rainy day funds, food shopping, stuff like that. Plus, we moved in with my boyfriends sister and brother in law and the day we got here, they actually left for New York for 4 days, so it’s just been the two of us and it’s been so great. We haven’t really had that much alone time since February. I missed it. A lot.

Today was the first day I cried. it was for a lot of reasons. One I’m not getting into. The others are the realization that I live here is setting in with my first day of work approaching tomorrow, and I’m starting to miss my parents and my sister. They may not think so because I haven’t really spoken to them much this week, and I’m not sure if it’s because I couldn’t make the call because it would hit me I’m not going home and I needed space for my adjustment, or if I felt they needed a little adjustment time, or both. Probably both. I’m actually sitting in our decent size walk in closet with the light off typing this while still wiping away tears from a pretty serious breakdown a little while ago. This is harder than I thought. Why I’m sitting in my closet, I’m not sure. I usually hate closed dark spaces but for some reason I found myself crawling my sorry crying ass in here and closing the door behind me. Maybe I just needed to shut the world out for a little bit. Listen to my own thoughts and just breathe for a minute. Either way, it just felt right to hide here for a while. And I realized, I’m terrified. more than I’ve let on and more than I’ve told anyone. I don’t know what I’m doing. I have one person here. That’s it. For a person like me, that’s not good. I’m clingy and annoying and now that I’m alone in this state with no one else around me to absorb some of that, my boyfriend is screwed. That scares me. I left EVERYTHING in New York. Not just family, but my doctors who I’ve been with for 2 years who know me, my therapist who knows more about me than most people I’m close to in my life know about me. She knows things I haven’t even told my mother. I know I can call her and we can still have our sessions, but its not the same. I also have NO space here (aside from the closet, which no one has even looked for me yet by the way. It’s been 30 minutes) to have a phone call where I would need to talk about things I don’t want anyone here knowing. Not even my boyfriend. So I’m nervous to start my new job tomorrow (who isn’t ever even a little bit nervous about day 1 though?), I have an appointment with a new doctor at the end of July for my thyroid and I’m so nervous to start with a new physician who knows nothing about me and what I’ve been through in the last 2 1/2 years. My anxiety is through the roof.

It will get better, I just need to give it time and adjust. Patience is a virtue (or so I’m told).


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