0e21a9bd-71df-4a45-a01c-012c29df4ad7This is a real and raw look at what someone who suffers from the aftermath of “the good cancer”:This is me after being awake for hours already today and after 4 straight days of hypothyroidism insomnia where I’ve gotten 6 to MAYBE 8 hours of sleep in those 4 days. This is what we call a hypo day, my friends. Puffy face, there’s not one part of my body that does not hurt, swollen hands and feet, and it took every ounce of my energy to get up, pee, and make a cup of coffee. Just bc they removed my tumor and I’m on “a little pill”, does not, in anyway, make my life any easier. My life is hard. Almost every morning is a struggle just to get out of bed. My hair falls out, my skin on the tips of my fingers are usually dried out. My nails go through these ridiculous brittle and sensitive to the touch cycles. I have dark circles under my eyes constantly, my eyebrows don’t grow right anymore, I get angry easily over stupid shit that doesn’t even matter most of the time. I get irrationally upset over things. I gain weight no matter how well I eat. I hate when people tell me “just move more” “if you exercise you’ll feel better” “You just need to eat better” (that’s the worst especially when they have NO idea what I even eat to begin with; which by the way is mainly a gluten/dairy/soy free diet. I rarely snack, unless I’m PMSing). Trust me, if I could exercise without needing 3 days to recover every time, I’d do it! I grew up active, I grew up dancing, gymnastics, running cross country and track, lacrosse and field hockey, volleyball. Being active was my life. It’s how I made friends. I’d give anything to be like that again. But I need time and peoples patience and understanding. I don’t want or need sympathy. Empathy would be nice. I am not my disease, I HAVE a disease that is incurable. I ace no thyroid. There is NO cure for me. Hypothyroidism without actually having a thyroid is vastly different from someone who has it WITH a thyroid. There are all sorts of things out there to get your thyroid functioning again. It is literally impossible for me at this point since I was robbed of mine 2 years 7 months and 19 days ago. Everyday I wonder what I’ll feel like or if I’ll be able to sleep that night or for how long I’ll be able to sleep, will my joints hurt tomorrow, will this pinched nerve in my neck that causes severe pain down into my elbows and hands to the point where I can’t even hold a pencil sometimes ever go away (yes this pinched nerve is a side effect of my disease I just learned this a month ago)? I cry almost daily because I just get so frustrated that I’m about to turn 30 in March and I’ve only been living this way for not even 3 years and that I have the rest of my damn life to go still. Dealing with this everyday knowing it’s NEVER going away. Some days are better than others, don’t get me wrong. Some days I almost feel normal. But it’s always in the back of my mind, I always wonder at least twice a day “will I have an issue today? And what issue will it be?” Once you get cancer, any kind, you live your life in a state of fear. Questions like “will it come back?” “how many ‘good days’ will I have in a row this time before I get another bad day?” “When I have a bad day will it last all day? Come and go al day? Will it last longer than a day?” Those double or triple bad days are killer. You have nothing left. You feel like your body has been ran over by 18 Mack trucks and dragged for miles. Its not always a conscious fear though, but it’s definitely there. Everyday. So today, this is me. This is my hypo day. I’m exhausted but can’t sleep. I have a puffy face, lips, hands and feel. A raging headache, elbow joint pain. Limbs that fall asleep far too easily and bouts of crying fits bc I know this is my life. This is what I have to struggle with daily with no help from anyone because no one CAN help. The only way anyone can help is to just support me, not make me feel like I should just “get over it” or “take a good nap and have a salad and go for a walk” like I can just eat some shrubbery and walk it off. I’m still learning to deal with this and navigate all of this. I need time and the days that I’m down, rationally I know those bad days wont last forever, that I’ll eventually feel okay again, but I need those days. To feel down and let myself cry and feel shitty. I pretend all those other days that I’m good that it’s good for me to let it all out once in a while and let myself feel the pain I’m in. It is most definitely not the good cancer. No cancer is good cancer. I had to endure 2 surgeries to complete a total thyroidectomy, and go through a tracer round of radioactive iodine, a crazy and almost tasteless low iodine diet for 2 weeks, 2 shots of thyrogen to make me go full blown hypo in 2 days, and a full blown round of radioactive iodine treatment and another full body scan, but I’m alive. I don’t pity myself and I don’t feel bad for myself. It happened to me. I don’t know why, no one ever really knows why anyone gets cancer. I have a few therorys though.

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