Living and Dying

When someone dies, why do people make someone seem like they were such a good person when in actuality, they were a terrible person? Why do people want you to make someone on their death bed feel good and “be there” and “tell them you love them” when in reality you hated the person, and if they wanted someone to be there at their death bed being nice, don’t you think they should have been a better person while they were alive and well? I am legitimately confused by this practice. I’m not going to go spewing nice Facebook statuses or IG posts about someone who my family knows fully abandoned me as a child to go play grandma to my other cousins and their babies. My grandma left me around age 7. I’ve dealt with it. I’ve tried my whole adult life to have a relationship with the woman and she just swatted me away like an annoying gnat. She was a bad person long before I was even born. I’m not going into any details but I’m not sorry for my opinions and my feelings about the woman. The rest of my family can blow up FB with positive posts to their hearts content, and I’m sure most of it is true for them, however I had a very different relationship with her than they did. So I will not be all sentimental about her death like everyone “feels I should be”. I’m going to be honest about my feelings, as polite as possible, and if you don’t like it, scroll past it. I don’t need to hear how it’s “disrespectful” because honestly, I was disrespected by her my whole life. I was struggling with my feelings yesterday when my sister called and told me the news. I had a huge range of emotions come over me. First and foremost I have to say I was relieved. Relieved that no more lies and hurt would come from her to anyone anymore. Then I was hurt. For me and for my mom. Hurt because now she will never have the chance to right her wrongs done to us. Everything she knew and knew she could fix went with her to the grave (or afterlife, if that’s your thing). And then I got angry and I think that’s where my emotions settled and unpacked. Angry for everything she did and didn’t do. Angry for the years my mother and then in turn, myself, endured her lies and deception and manipulation. And angry that my cousins all got a grandmother and my sister and I didn’t. Outcasted just because we were our mothers daughters. So I will absolutely NOT sit here and write a sweet loving testament to my grandmothers life and say wonderful things about her just to please my aunts and cousins. (In actuality the only good thing she did for me was to move away and leave my life.) They don’t know what my life was like, and I don’t know theirs. But the difference is I’m not judging them for their feelings and all I’m getting is judgement because it goes against the “proper way” to mourn when a family member dies. There is no wrong way to mourn. You speak volumes of your character and who you were raised by when you judge someone for their own feelings, but I digress.

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